When Nicole and Myself first broke up. I was a mess. I didnt eat, sleep and most of my nights I sat at home in the dark watching movies or playing xbox. I had constant thoughts of self harm and suicide.
One night My Mother and I were arguing in the car at fountain gate and I told her about these thoughts. She became visually upset and told that no matter what happened, I had to be thier for my sisters. Being in the state that I was in I percieved that as her telling me she was going to run away or kill herself. The last thing I remember is me getting out of the car, the sound of a car horn. and then black.
I "awoke" sitting in my bed, mid conversation with my mother who, regretfully, told me what happened.
After getting out of the car I began walking away, Mum caught up to me and tried to get me to turn around but I shook her off and told her to "leave me the f--k alone" before walking into the middle of a busy round-about and then an intersection. Mum found me sitting outside of Bunnings not moving, just staring straight ahead. After pulling up she begged me to get into the car, but I ignored her. Finally my best friend James' Mother drove down and convinced me to go home with Mum.
When I "awoke" I told Mum that this wasnt the first time this had happened I explained some things that I hoped I would never have to talk about and then I went to bed.
The next day, I was at school and I was called up to see the school counsellor who I eventually told about the previous night. being worried she made an appointment for an assessment at Dandenong hospital that day and I left the school ten minutes later. What I didnt know was that I would never be returning to Hampton Park Secondary College. I had lost the battle, I had been run out of the school and I do not doubt in the slightest that when people began to realise that I wasnt returning, a great big smile emerged upon their faces.
After being asked question after question at dandenong I was finally diagnosed with Depression. I was told that I show Suicidal Tendencies and I have a Dissassociation Disorder. I had never felt so weak.
I began to see a number of psychiatrists & psycologists and now I am seeing someone regularly.
I am also happy to say that I have met someone who has helped me, more than she will ever now. I have no doubt in saying that, If it wasnt for Maddison Fenton. I would not be dealing with all of this as well as I am.
But Maddison is another story.
For another time.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Dont tell me about sacrifice (Part 4)
I remember when I was just a little kid, I went on holliday to Sydney to see my father Andrew. I refer to him as a father rather then a dad because technically he is my father, but he's never been a dad. More of a sperm donor. After a short time he slowly began buyinh me things that I didnt need. Including my very first Playstation. I remember him setting up the Playstation for me in his apartment kitchen and giving me a CD case full of 100 games. "I'll be right back, ok?" he called to me as he walked out the front door. I, being a 4 year old boy with a new playstation, mumbled agreement. So I sat there, trying all of the games when I realised it was getting dark and "Dad" still wasnt back. I walked outside side to the front of his apartment building to find him.
And found him I did.
Standing on the front lawn with a pile of Jim Beam cans steadily rising on a table in front of him.
I learnt my first lesson about Daddy dearest that day. Even though I lived in Melbourne and He in Sydney. Even though I was barely past 4 years of age. Even though we only saw each other once or twice a year.
He would rather drink alone.
Then spend time with his son.
My main aspiration in life is to NOT do something. Unlike most people who want to cure all disease, or solve the problem of world hunger or even just get a dream job. I do NOT want to become my father.
I do NOT want to follow in his footsteps.
So I go into any relationship and I promise myself that I will never do what my Father did to my Mother. No matter what.
When I cheated on Nicole I went back on that promise. And that hurt me more than anything, more than the things people said, the abuse I recieved, the threat or the rumours that where spread. Knowing that I had hurt Nicole the exact same way my Father had hurt my Mum. It killed me inside.
Nicole forgave me, but that didnt mean that everybody did. I remember the first school day after the incident with Blaire. Sitting alone at Recess waiting for everybody to tear me to shreds. waiting for somebody, anybody to say something.
But nobody did.
Instead I sat their in silence.
It confused me. Why act like you have her best interests at heart, like you know everything but not say anything to me in person?
You all wrote your snide shit from a dark room because thats what the angry do nowadays.
Tell me I do it.
Call me a hypocrite.
But when you do.
Tell me the last time I was afraid to say something to somebody's face.
While I was having these thoughts. I remember seeing Leah Duffy walking up to me with an INCREDIBLY determined look on her face.(is it just me or do I seem to emphasize the word INCREDIBLY whenever I use it?)
Leah abused me. She told me how I never deserved Nicole and that I deserved everything that was coming my way.
On that day, I gained an immense amount of respect towards Leah Duffy. because she was not a keyboard warrior like so many of the un-namable people who go to hampton park secondary college.
I hurt her sister and she was right there. Defending her.
So as I stood there explaining that nobody understood what I did wrong more than me.
And nobody did.
Until now.
That right there seems like a good place to end part 4 buit before I do. Im having another one of my "clear up moments".
Nicole and I did not break up because of any fault of our own. We broke up because her "friends" could not leave well enough alone. By friends, I mean all the people who knew nothing about what happened but still spread the rumours and tore her down about me.
Seeing her hurt, because of the fact that people hated me.
She didnt deserve that.
So that day we parted ways, knowing that we could never be together without keeping it a very close secret. We left with a friendship that I hope is never broken. No matter what.
There are things that I know about Nicole Duffy.
And some things that she knows about me.
That nobody else knows.
We even share a secret about us that only Vanessa Ford knows.
I trust them both not to divulge those secrets.
And I hope they trust me to do the same.
And then I was diagnosed. . .
And found him I did.
Standing on the front lawn with a pile of Jim Beam cans steadily rising on a table in front of him.
I learnt my first lesson about Daddy dearest that day. Even though I lived in Melbourne and He in Sydney. Even though I was barely past 4 years of age. Even though we only saw each other once or twice a year.
He would rather drink alone.
Then spend time with his son.
My main aspiration in life is to NOT do something. Unlike most people who want to cure all disease, or solve the problem of world hunger or even just get a dream job. I do NOT want to become my father.
I do NOT want to follow in his footsteps.
So I go into any relationship and I promise myself that I will never do what my Father did to my Mother. No matter what.
When I cheated on Nicole I went back on that promise. And that hurt me more than anything, more than the things people said, the abuse I recieved, the threat or the rumours that where spread. Knowing that I had hurt Nicole the exact same way my Father had hurt my Mum. It killed me inside.
Nicole forgave me, but that didnt mean that everybody did. I remember the first school day after the incident with Blaire. Sitting alone at Recess waiting for everybody to tear me to shreds. waiting for somebody, anybody to say something.
But nobody did.
Instead I sat their in silence.
It confused me. Why act like you have her best interests at heart, like you know everything but not say anything to me in person?
You all wrote your snide shit from a dark room because thats what the angry do nowadays.
Tell me I do it.
Call me a hypocrite.
But when you do.
Tell me the last time I was afraid to say something to somebody's face.
While I was having these thoughts. I remember seeing Leah Duffy walking up to me with an INCREDIBLY determined look on her face.(is it just me or do I seem to emphasize the word INCREDIBLY whenever I use it?)
Leah abused me. She told me how I never deserved Nicole and that I deserved everything that was coming my way.
On that day, I gained an immense amount of respect towards Leah Duffy. because she was not a keyboard warrior like so many of the un-namable people who go to hampton park secondary college.
I hurt her sister and she was right there. Defending her.
So as I stood there explaining that nobody understood what I did wrong more than me.
And nobody did.
Until now.
That right there seems like a good place to end part 4 buit before I do. Im having another one of my "clear up moments".
Nicole and I did not break up because of any fault of our own. We broke up because her "friends" could not leave well enough alone. By friends, I mean all the people who knew nothing about what happened but still spread the rumours and tore her down about me.
Seeing her hurt, because of the fact that people hated me.
She didnt deserve that.
So that day we parted ways, knowing that we could never be together without keeping it a very close secret. We left with a friendship that I hope is never broken. No matter what.
There are things that I know about Nicole Duffy.
And some things that she knows about me.
That nobody else knows.
We even share a secret about us that only Vanessa Ford knows.
I trust them both not to divulge those secrets.
And I hope they trust me to do the same.
And then I was diagnosed. . .
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Dont tell me about sacrifice (Part 3)
Sacrificing something I loved to make someone else happy, was one of the hardest things I ever did.
And the day I watched Nicole Duffy walk away from me, after I told her we couldnt be together anymore.
Was one of the lowest days I have ever experienced and I will never forget it.
Nicole & I had never been close friends. In fact. I was close with her sister Leah Duffy (Who I actually hit on at a school sports carnival. Another story for another day) before I even talked to Nicole. We only hung out 3 times before I gained the courage to kiss her for the first time, which might I add was alot harder than I expected. (trust me)
The day I asked Nicole to be my girlfriend I remember I was INCREDIBLY (could I emphasize that any more than what I just did?) nervous because it was also the first time I was meeting her mother & going to her house. It was a day of firsts ill tell you that. I remember sitting on Nicoles bed and I watched her clean her room and we just talked about anything & everything that popped into our heads. I remember pulling her onto my lap and telling her how I felt. i remember asking her out in the stupidest way possible.
"So like, I think you should be my girlfriend"
She just. Looked at me. She blushed and looked down at her lap with the biggest smiel on her face. but she didnt answer me, "this isnt going to work if you dont give me an answer" I said with a smile on my face, trying my hardest to hide my fear of rejection.
In reality, who was I to her?
She was one of the most loved girls at Hampton Park.
She had never been in a fight or argument.
You would never hear the phrase "I hate Nicole Duffy"
because nobody did.
And then Me, Maxx Dow. Need I say more?
But never the less she finally answered me. Giving me that yes that I craved so badly. and then after half an hour we shared our first kiss. I'd explain why half an hour. But I do not want to embarass Miss Duffy.
Right now, Id like to take a moment to let you all know, that I was never good enough for her. And every moment we shared was a moment that I will cherish forever.
After a month people started to fully catch on to the fact that Nicole & Myself were together and a few people began to harrass her asking her why she's dating me of all people, telling her that I'm just going to cheat on her like I have with "all of his other ex's". This visually distressed Nicole and sometimes I would get phone calls at night telling me that another person had been saying things to her.
It broke my heart.
Everytime I would tell Nicole that it was not true.
Everytime I would tell her not to listen.
Everytime She would agree with me.
But it always happened again.
Soon, I couldnt hang out with anybody without people spreading rumours about what I was doing.
One night after talking to Nicole once again. I searched for comfort and found it through a close friend of mine Blaire Cartmill. After a small disagreement between Nicole & I, I went to Bliare's house where I did something I regret more than anything.
I cheated on Nicole.
I did what everybody said I would do.
I went against every moral fibre in my being.
I broke her heart.
Another moment where I would like to clear something up. Blaire and I never had sex. Ever.
So please, If not for me, then for her, stop saying we did.
The morning after when I woke up, Blaire and Myself both realised exactly what we had done, I could see it in her eyes and I believe she saw it in mine.
That morning Blaire confided in her friend & an old close friend of mine Nicholas Barberessos. Who, with Nicoles best interests at heart, told her striaght away. I would have rathered tell her this myself. but the masses cannot be stopped.
Surprisingly Nicole forgave me, even though nobody else did.
But that wasnt the end of it. Not by a long shot.
Part IV?
Inbox.
And the day I watched Nicole Duffy walk away from me, after I told her we couldnt be together anymore.
Was one of the lowest days I have ever experienced and I will never forget it.
Nicole & I had never been close friends. In fact. I was close with her sister Leah Duffy (Who I actually hit on at a school sports carnival. Another story for another day) before I even talked to Nicole. We only hung out 3 times before I gained the courage to kiss her for the first time, which might I add was alot harder than I expected. (trust me)
The day I asked Nicole to be my girlfriend I remember I was INCREDIBLY (could I emphasize that any more than what I just did?) nervous because it was also the first time I was meeting her mother & going to her house. It was a day of firsts ill tell you that. I remember sitting on Nicoles bed and I watched her clean her room and we just talked about anything & everything that popped into our heads. I remember pulling her onto my lap and telling her how I felt. i remember asking her out in the stupidest way possible.
"So like, I think you should be my girlfriend"
She just. Looked at me. She blushed and looked down at her lap with the biggest smiel on her face. but she didnt answer me, "this isnt going to work if you dont give me an answer" I said with a smile on my face, trying my hardest to hide my fear of rejection.
In reality, who was I to her?
She was one of the most loved girls at Hampton Park.
She had never been in a fight or argument.
You would never hear the phrase "I hate Nicole Duffy"
because nobody did.
And then Me, Maxx Dow. Need I say more?
But never the less she finally answered me. Giving me that yes that I craved so badly. and then after half an hour we shared our first kiss. I'd explain why half an hour. But I do not want to embarass Miss Duffy.
Right now, Id like to take a moment to let you all know, that I was never good enough for her. And every moment we shared was a moment that I will cherish forever.
After a month people started to fully catch on to the fact that Nicole & Myself were together and a few people began to harrass her asking her why she's dating me of all people, telling her that I'm just going to cheat on her like I have with "all of his other ex's". This visually distressed Nicole and sometimes I would get phone calls at night telling me that another person had been saying things to her.
It broke my heart.
Everytime I would tell Nicole that it was not true.
Everytime I would tell her not to listen.
Everytime She would agree with me.
But it always happened again.
Soon, I couldnt hang out with anybody without people spreading rumours about what I was doing.
One night after talking to Nicole once again. I searched for comfort and found it through a close friend of mine Blaire Cartmill. After a small disagreement between Nicole & I, I went to Bliare's house where I did something I regret more than anything.
I cheated on Nicole.
I did what everybody said I would do.
I went against every moral fibre in my being.
I broke her heart.
Another moment where I would like to clear something up. Blaire and I never had sex. Ever.
So please, If not for me, then for her, stop saying we did.
The morning after when I woke up, Blaire and Myself both realised exactly what we had done, I could see it in her eyes and I believe she saw it in mine.
That morning Blaire confided in her friend & an old close friend of mine Nicholas Barberessos. Who, with Nicoles best interests at heart, told her striaght away. I would have rathered tell her this myself. but the masses cannot be stopped.
Surprisingly Nicole forgave me, even though nobody else did.
But that wasnt the end of it. Not by a long shot.
Part IV?
Inbox.
Dont tell me about sacrifice. (Part 2)
Before I talk about the collapse of my friendships. I would just like to point out that I went through a number of relationships. and contrary to popular opinion I put my everything into those relationships. Some of them fell apart when I had one of my episodes, 3 of them cheated on me, Of them decided to just not talk to me anymore. But during those times when I was single, there was one girl who the rest of the group had known before she moved to our school, who even though I pretended to want nothing to do with, I actually fell pretty hard for and unknown to me, the girl who James Baker was also in love with.
Anastasia Rae.
She was one of the only girls who i've never really approached.
I treated her like a friend, hoping, waiting for some sort of confession.
Little did I now that I'd get that confession.
After she had moved nearly 2 hours away -.-
And so I pretended like all guys in my position.
Just like I always have.
Speaking of Segways. Soon after my 17th birthday dinner in which Jamie Malloy (A newly adopted friend into our "group" that had been wittled away to only four original members Myself, Daniel, James & Travis) Nicole Duffy (my then girlfriend) and Daniel all attended with my family. Finnigan joined as a band as 2nd guitarist.the band became known as "Stand Alone". who are a really good band and you can check out there MySpace page right here:
http://www.myspace.com/standalonemelbourne
(Hows that for promotion boys?)
Soon after this Daniels Commitment to the band increased more and more, and thus he slowly stopped talking to me. I'm not sure if it was only because of that or if there were some underlying reasons but netherless in the end It became incredibly hard for me to get into contact with him.
And when I did talk to him, we would tlak about hanging out like we used to.
But something always came up.
And so I lost a friend.
I lost a brother.
Ever since then I havent really let myself get close to another person. Jamie & Myself became really close.
And sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking that he could be my best friend. but really we both know that isnt true.
James Baker. Now he. One guy who no matter what, will always be honest. Will always keep his word, Will defend me even to people that would otherwise not give me a chance. His family even put a roof over my head when I needed it most.
I dont think he is my best friend.
I know he is my brother.
He is Family. And I can honestly say that I love him, along with his crazy family that I know I can call my family aswell.
And then everything with Nicole happened.
Part III?
Inbox.
Anastasia Rae.
She was one of the only girls who i've never really approached.
I treated her like a friend, hoping, waiting for some sort of confession.
Little did I now that I'd get that confession.
After she had moved nearly 2 hours away -.-
And so I pretended like all guys in my position.
Just like I always have.
Speaking of Segways. Soon after my 17th birthday dinner in which Jamie Malloy (A newly adopted friend into our "group" that had been wittled away to only four original members Myself, Daniel, James & Travis) Nicole Duffy (my then girlfriend) and Daniel all attended with my family. Finnigan joined as a band as 2nd guitarist.the band became known as "Stand Alone". who are a really good band and you can check out there MySpace page right here:
http://www.myspace.com/standalonemelbourne
(Hows that for promotion boys?)
Soon after this Daniels Commitment to the band increased more and more, and thus he slowly stopped talking to me. I'm not sure if it was only because of that or if there were some underlying reasons but netherless in the end It became incredibly hard for me to get into contact with him.
And when I did talk to him, we would tlak about hanging out like we used to.
But something always came up.
And so I lost a friend.
I lost a brother.
Ever since then I havent really let myself get close to another person. Jamie & Myself became really close.
And sometimes my mind tricks me into thinking that he could be my best friend. but really we both know that isnt true.
James Baker. Now he. One guy who no matter what, will always be honest. Will always keep his word, Will defend me even to people that would otherwise not give me a chance. His family even put a roof over my head when I needed it most.
I dont think he is my best friend.
I know he is my brother.
He is Family. And I can honestly say that I love him, along with his crazy family that I know I can call my family aswell.
And then everything with Nicole happened.
Part III?
Inbox.
Dont tell me about sacrifice. (Part 1)
I've never really given up on anything before.
Its just not who I am.
But lately it just seems like life just wants to constantly throw a nice hot steaming pile of. . . . bad luck, my way.
I left school. Most of my close friends will know this, and by most of my close friends I mean the two of my close friends, everyone else has probably been told by one of them even though I expressly forwarded my concerns as to the consequences of everybody finding out. but I digress.
Next year I am hoping to attend Chisolm after a series of unfortunate events (sorry Mr. Snicket) at my high school left me incredibly weak and vunerable. To be the most hated person at Hampton Park Secondary College was never easy. Especially when most of my "friends" thought it was a running joke they could throw my way every now and then. Just in case I forgot my position in the food chain that is high school popularity.
It all started when I was kept down in year 8, the masses believing that this was because of my intelligence level. but only known to a chosen few it was actually because I am the same AGE as everyone now, rather then being two years younger then everybody else. I am now amoung the oldest in my old year level.
After transitioning into year 8 I very quickly became friends with a handful of people.
James Baker
Daniel Finnigan
Travis Dockary
Jackson Walden
&
Paige Veenstra
I didnt have a very close bond with any of them at first, in fact I later found out that James Baker hated me & Daniel Finnigan didnt want me to talking to most of them.
Until the school placed upon the school. Year 7-8 English, Maths & Humanities Groups.
Where I joined Jackson and Travis and we became best friends.
At the end of Year 8 Jackson left and I was one of the only people who kept in contact with him and to this day he is still my best friend.
Travis and I stayed close for about a year (during which he, along with other people, bought me my xbox and started an epidemic) but it wasnt until an unfortunate event with Daniel & Paige (who were then dating) that Me and Daniel Suddenly clicked. We realised we both had the same kind of struggles and we became closer then i've ever been with anybody. I would sometimes refer to him as my brother because I was so incredibly comfortable around him. We hung out everyday and we were never bored. We had some amazing memories together. Like the day when we went and rented Gears Of War 2 from Civic video, to go home and place the game into the xbox and start the game. As the game loaded Mr Finnigan thought it would be a good idea to tip the xbox over to an upside down position causing the xbox to literally shit its pants, completely ruining the disk.
I remember planning Daniels 16th Surprise Birthday party and thinking that He and I would be best friends forever. He'd be the fake uncle to my kids, The best man at my wedding. How much can go wrong in a year right?
Part II?
Inbox me if you want to read more.
Its just not who I am.
But lately it just seems like life just wants to constantly throw a nice hot steaming pile of. . . . bad luck, my way.
I left school. Most of my close friends will know this, and by most of my close friends I mean the two of my close friends, everyone else has probably been told by one of them even though I expressly forwarded my concerns as to the consequences of everybody finding out. but I digress.
Next year I am hoping to attend Chisolm after a series of unfortunate events (sorry Mr. Snicket) at my high school left me incredibly weak and vunerable. To be the most hated person at Hampton Park Secondary College was never easy. Especially when most of my "friends" thought it was a running joke they could throw my way every now and then. Just in case I forgot my position in the food chain that is high school popularity.
It all started when I was kept down in year 8, the masses believing that this was because of my intelligence level. but only known to a chosen few it was actually because I am the same AGE as everyone now, rather then being two years younger then everybody else. I am now amoung the oldest in my old year level.
After transitioning into year 8 I very quickly became friends with a handful of people.
James Baker
Daniel Finnigan
Travis Dockary
Jackson Walden
&
Paige Veenstra
I didnt have a very close bond with any of them at first, in fact I later found out that James Baker hated me & Daniel Finnigan didnt want me to talking to most of them.
Until the school placed upon the school. Year 7-8 English, Maths & Humanities Groups.
Where I joined Jackson and Travis and we became best friends.
At the end of Year 8 Jackson left and I was one of the only people who kept in contact with him and to this day he is still my best friend.
Travis and I stayed close for about a year (during which he, along with other people, bought me my xbox and started an epidemic) but it wasnt until an unfortunate event with Daniel & Paige (who were then dating) that Me and Daniel Suddenly clicked. We realised we both had the same kind of struggles and we became closer then i've ever been with anybody. I would sometimes refer to him as my brother because I was so incredibly comfortable around him. We hung out everyday and we were never bored. We had some amazing memories together. Like the day when we went and rented Gears Of War 2 from Civic video, to go home and place the game into the xbox and start the game. As the game loaded Mr Finnigan thought it would be a good idea to tip the xbox over to an upside down position causing the xbox to literally shit its pants, completely ruining the disk.
I remember planning Daniels 16th Surprise Birthday party and thinking that He and I would be best friends forever. He'd be the fake uncle to my kids, The best man at my wedding. How much can go wrong in a year right?
Part II?
Inbox me if you want to read more.
It wont stop anytime soon.
One of the things I hate most in the entire world.
Is ignorant racists.
Oh no, I'm not talking about people using the phrase "nigga" or "gook" or anything like that.
No. I'm talking about people of African America descent. Thinking that because of something that happened a long, long time ago. being incredibly racist to all other races.
Let me start from the beginning.
A long time ago I joined a group called "I Love Being Black" and even if you arent black you should go and join the group to show your support for an inspirational group. . . Atleast. . Thats what I would be saying if it wasnt for the experience I just had on their page.
Usually thier posts are really intelligent and I read them and I feel like the world is slowly progressing towards that whole sitting in a campfire, arm in arm, in front of a rainbow peaceful kind of world.
But after reading this:
I was a bit confused. To me this post, as empowering as it was, was borderline saying that white women don't struggle in the same way as black women.
So I decided to view the comments. And this is where my dissapointment stemmed from.
Kenneth Skinner "Yes OUR woman should be celebrated.our greatest current example is Americas queen Michelle Obama. An accomplished woman.even more so than the president. In business and in Many other endeavours.she has grace and has the common touch to relate to all. Besides her our woman have done so much."
Starr Love-Kitten "I agree to a degree justin....but ur white so u dont get how we feel to a degree"
(Justin being somebody who said the same thing as me, just with less detail)
Comments like this actually made me sad.
I posted a comment:
Maxx Dow "Although I don't fully understand the african american struggle
Isnt it a tad ignorant to act like BLACK women are the only women who struggle in the work force?
All women struggle in the work force. Its known fact that for every dollar a man makes a woman earns 70 cents. Im all for empowerment but with all of the people in here boasting about how your race is the best race and how even one of you said that "Darkskin blacks are the ORIGINAL blacks, all others are replicas & renditions" thats beginning to sound alot like an old german dictator if your catching my drift?
Black people are not the only people who recieve racism. I could not count how many times ive been called a "white boy" by an ignorant african america, hispanic or asian oriented person before.
Think twice before thinking that "black" people are the only people who face prejudice, because you dish it out alot harder than you recieve it."
Post a comment below giving me your opinion about my comment. but I'll have you know. That not only was my comment deleted but I was "chewed out" for being an "arrogant, smartass whiteboy"
So many people in that group abused me for being a racist that I myself actually began to believe that I WAS being racist.
Comments I recieved included
Linda Wheeler lets have our own delete the AH buton wut day is it skin head .idiot day this isnt the only Black or even Christain page ive seen the likes of the evildoer like Colin bransfield ????Jesus Christ do we really have to put up with such disrespect???!!!!
Its sad to see that racism is still around in a really big way, that somebody cannot post a thought provoked comment without being abused for his views, especially by the very people that most would think would understand the most.
Live by your words.
Dont expect others to if you dont yourself.
Thanks for reading.
Is ignorant racists.
Oh no, I'm not talking about people using the phrase "nigga" or "gook" or anything like that.
No. I'm talking about people of African America descent. Thinking that because of something that happened a long, long time ago. being incredibly racist to all other races.
Let me start from the beginning.
A long time ago I joined a group called "I Love Being Black" and even if you arent black you should go and join the group to show your support for an inspirational group. . . Atleast. . Thats what I would be saying if it wasnt for the experience I just had on their page.
Usually thier posts are really intelligent and I read them and I feel like the world is slowly progressing towards that whole sitting in a campfire, arm in arm, in front of a rainbow peaceful kind of world.
But after reading this:
I was a bit confused. To me this post, as empowering as it was, was borderline saying that white women don't struggle in the same way as black women.
So I decided to view the comments. And this is where my dissapointment stemmed from.
Kenneth Skinner "Yes OUR woman should be celebrated.our greatest current example is Americas queen Michelle Obama. An accomplished woman.even more so than the president. In business and in Many other endeavours.she has grace and has the common touch to relate to all. Besides her our woman have done so much."
Starr Love-Kitten "I agree to a degree justin....but ur white so u dont get how we feel to a degree"
(Justin being somebody who said the same thing as me, just with less detail)
Comments like this actually made me sad.
I posted a comment:
Maxx Dow "Although I don't fully understand the african american struggle
Isnt it a tad ignorant to act like BLACK women are the only women who struggle in the work force?
All women struggle in the work force. Its known fact that for every dollar a man makes a woman earns 70 cents. Im all for empowerment but with all of the people in here boasting about how your race is the best race and how even one of you said that "Darkskin blacks are the ORIGINAL blacks, all others are replicas & renditions" thats beginning to sound alot like an old german dictator if your catching my drift?
Black people are not the only people who recieve racism. I could not count how many times ive been called a "white boy" by an ignorant african america, hispanic or asian oriented person before.
Think twice before thinking that "black" people are the only people who face prejudice, because you dish it out alot harder than you recieve it."
Post a comment below giving me your opinion about my comment. but I'll have you know. That not only was my comment deleted but I was "chewed out" for being an "arrogant, smartass whiteboy"
So many people in that group abused me for being a racist that I myself actually began to believe that I WAS being racist.
Comments I recieved included
Linda Wheeler lets have our own delete the AH buton wut day is it skin head .idiot day this isnt the only Black or even Christain page ive seen the likes of the evildoer like Colin bransfield ????Jesus Christ do we really have to put up with such disrespect???!!!!
Its sad to see that racism is still around in a really big way, that somebody cannot post a thought provoked comment without being abused for his views, especially by the very people that most would think would understand the most.
Live by your words.
Dont expect others to if you dont yourself.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
You'll never guess what Maxx said in his blog!
It was hot today.
Incredibly hot.
One of the best parts about being as brave as I am, is having the ability to do some things that others would see as embarrassing or "not in the norm". Like being able to say things to strangers or ask things that make people double take and your friends nearly wet there over priced skinny jeans.
But without a doubt, my favourite thing to do is to ask a question to a group of people.
and watch their reactions. I usually use the same question and if you end up trying this you have to act as serious as possible.
The question?
"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do more look like?"
How many times did you have to read over that question? Did it make you double take?
Good. that was my goal.
Thats always my goal.
No matter what im doing or where I am or who Im with. If ive made you double take, you will remember me. you will talk about me.
If you're reading this. No doubt you've heard about me from somebody else. My "exploits" are very talked about amoung the teenage population in the Melbourne area. Nothing makes me happier than to hear that people had nothing better to do at a party or when they were together, then to talk about me.
You've heard alot about me?
You've read alot about me?
You want to know how much i've heard about you?
You want to know how much i've read about you?
Nothing .☺
Haters are going to hate.
I can accept that.
But when the spotlight turns onto you. Will you be able to handle it the way I have? Will you be able to stand up against everybody. I'm not one of those people who is going to take a paragraph from google and paste it into my facebook/MySpace/Tumblr. telling you not to judge me because you dont know me.
I think you do know me. Judge away.
Because I have experience with diversity.
Pointless hatred.
Stupid rumours.
My relationships have been torn apart due to said hatred and said rumours. And I'm sure the people behind all of that kind of stuff think that seeing me miserable is some kind of Victory
But in the end all you do is put experience under my belt and inspiration in my head.
I've even been told by a few people that "All the boys want to be me" and "all the girls want to be with me"
This is wrong on both accounts.
Nobody wants to be me.
The girls dont want to be with me.
No.
The BOYS want to be able to do what I do, say what I say, take what I take
&
The GIRLS want to be romanced the way I romance a girl, to feel the way I can make a girl feel.
Some of you will tell me I'm up myself.
That I'm wrong.
And If I am wrong.
So be it.
You'll remember this blog post.
Because It, just like the rest of my life, is something to talk about.
Incredibly hot.
One of the best parts about being as brave as I am, is having the ability to do some things that others would see as embarrassing or "not in the norm". Like being able to say things to strangers or ask things that make people double take and your friends nearly wet there over priced skinny jeans.
But without a doubt, my favourite thing to do is to ask a question to a group of people.
and watch their reactions. I usually use the same question and if you end up trying this you have to act as serious as possible.
The question?
"Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do more look like?"
How many times did you have to read over that question? Did it make you double take?
Good. that was my goal.
Thats always my goal.
No matter what im doing or where I am or who Im with. If ive made you double take, you will remember me. you will talk about me.
If you're reading this. No doubt you've heard about me from somebody else. My "exploits" are very talked about amoung the teenage population in the Melbourne area. Nothing makes me happier than to hear that people had nothing better to do at a party or when they were together, then to talk about me.
You've heard alot about me?
You've read alot about me?
You want to know how much i've heard about you?
You want to know how much i've read about you?
Nothing .☺
Haters are going to hate.
I can accept that.
But when the spotlight turns onto you. Will you be able to handle it the way I have? Will you be able to stand up against everybody. I'm not one of those people who is going to take a paragraph from google and paste it into my facebook/MySpace/Tumblr. telling you not to judge me because you dont know me.
I think you do know me. Judge away.
Because I have experience with diversity.
Pointless hatred.
Stupid rumours.
My relationships have been torn apart due to said hatred and said rumours. And I'm sure the people behind all of that kind of stuff think that seeing me miserable is some kind of Victory
But in the end all you do is put experience under my belt and inspiration in my head.
I've even been told by a few people that "All the boys want to be me" and "all the girls want to be with me"
This is wrong on both accounts.
Nobody wants to be me.
The girls dont want to be with me.
No.
The BOYS want to be able to do what I do, say what I say, take what I take
&
The GIRLS want to be romanced the way I romance a girl, to feel the way I can make a girl feel.
Some of you will tell me I'm up myself.
That I'm wrong.
And If I am wrong.
So be it.
You'll remember this blog post.
Because It, just like the rest of my life, is something to talk about.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Awkwardly Titled Blog Entry. . . *cough*
One of the worst parts about being a teenager, is knowing alot about your friends.
Even though I know all of these things, it doesnt mean I actually wanted to know them. If I traded everything I had for one other thing. Would that atleast get me some merit points towards being a "good person"
Another terrible, blog inspired tragedy about being a teenager, is that you and everyone around you is comparing their lives to what they see in movies, television shows and even video games.
Yes. Video games.
And please, if im wrong, next time you see me smack me in the chin with a large fish.
Even in my above paragraph I refer to "merit points towards being a "good person" " like my life is a giant game of The Sims. Whenever im talking to a broken-hearted or worried person, boy or girl most of the time I get "I wish life was more like the movies"
I think EVERYONE wishes that.
Come on!
Who hasnt fantasised about marrying a woman only to find out that she is an assassin all the while keeping your assassin identity a secret, then, after a fight to the near death in your incredibly expensive house and right after making hot passionate love (Mr & Mrs Smith) you get into your family van that transforms into a gigantic space robot (Transformers) that is then sued by two seperate parties for stealing an idea for the multi-billion dollar website facebook.com (The Social Network)
You havent had that fantasy?
hmmm must just be me.
The clock on my wall has been stuck at 3 for days.
Atleast I hope it has. Otherwise ive been stuck on the same loop of time for 3 or four days.
Wouldnt that be awkward?
Im digging the fact that people are wall posting & Inboxing & Commenting me telling me that they read my blog and they really like it.
If you really like it.
Do me a favour?
Make a blogger account and follow the shiz outta me :)
I'd really appreciate it.
Oh and wall post me if you've read my blog, give me your opinion.
Double Oh, Some of you will have noticed that I only said Transformers and didnt mention the sequel.
I did that for a reason. . . .
It sucked.
Even though I know all of these things, it doesnt mean I actually wanted to know them. If I traded everything I had for one other thing. Would that atleast get me some merit points towards being a "good person"
Another terrible, blog inspired tragedy about being a teenager, is that you and everyone around you is comparing their lives to what they see in movies, television shows and even video games.
Yes. Video games.
And please, if im wrong, next time you see me smack me in the chin with a large fish.
Even in my above paragraph I refer to "merit points towards being a "good person" " like my life is a giant game of The Sims. Whenever im talking to a broken-hearted or worried person, boy or girl most of the time I get "I wish life was more like the movies"
I think EVERYONE wishes that.
Come on!
Who hasnt fantasised about marrying a woman only to find out that she is an assassin all the while keeping your assassin identity a secret, then, after a fight to the near death in your incredibly expensive house and right after making hot passionate love (Mr & Mrs Smith) you get into your family van that transforms into a gigantic space robot (Transformers) that is then sued by two seperate parties for stealing an idea for the multi-billion dollar website facebook.com (The Social Network)
You havent had that fantasy?
hmmm must just be me.
The clock on my wall has been stuck at 3 for days.
Atleast I hope it has. Otherwise ive been stuck on the same loop of time for 3 or four days.
Wouldnt that be awkward?
Im digging the fact that people are wall posting & Inboxing & Commenting me telling me that they read my blog and they really like it.
If you really like it.
Do me a favour?
Make a blogger account and follow the shiz outta me :)
I'd really appreciate it.
Oh and wall post me if you've read my blog, give me your opinion.
Double Oh, Some of you will have noticed that I only said Transformers and didnt mention the sequel.
I did that for a reason. . . .
It sucked.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Corey Burton.
He was my 300th Hit on my blog
He always supports me.
"Why did you even try?
Because nothing good was on TV. But in all logical reasoning I'd say, without knowing the situation, you tried because you believe the goal or desire in which you were trying for would provide something you're currently lacking, whether it be an item, a service, or a feeling. And one of these days, trying will get you somewhere.
I mean, if you dont try, you're stuck where you are. At least if you do try, you have a chance of moving. Its early/late (as I havent slept yet) so this may make no sense when you read it. But sometimes the point of failure isnt because you werent good enough, and isnt because it'll just "never happen". Its because the direction you approached the situation was wrong. Sorta like asking "What color is tuesday?" or "Why is the automatic?". Before you can get the right solution, you've gotta figure out how to approach the problem. And now I hope early-morning-semi-psychological-corey has you thinking! - Corey Burton after I asked him "Why did I even try?"
He would easily be one of my best friends.
And he is NOT James Baker.
Corey Burton. Iloveyou man ♥
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Jemima Joanne Cooper.
She is the only girl in the world who can make me smile no matter what mood im in.
Ive never met anybody as amazing, with as much personality as her.
I know for a fact that she will always be there for me.
I love her with all of my heart.
And I will forever
Maxx Lawrence Dow && Jemima Joanne Cooper
Best friends
Ive never met anybody as amazing, with as much personality as her.
I know for a fact that she will always be there for me.
I love her with all of my heart.
And I will forever
Maxx Lawrence Dow && Jemima Joanne Cooper
Best friends
Sorry? I cant hear you over your own life crumbling to the ground.
I hate it when someone wants sympathy. So they come to me?
WHY?!
Since when did I become district manager of Sympathetics-R-Us?
I have my own problems to deal with. I dont need all of your problems on top of mine. I have my own battles to fight.
Im not a perfect person. I can barely run my own life.
So why is it that people think I can turn theres around?
Day after Day all these questions re surface.
Come talk to me when your last thoughts before you sleep is how much of a failure you are.
And how anybody else in the world would be in a better position to deal with the issues you have, because it just seems like no matter you do, people will always look down on you in a way that cannot and will not be reversed.
Im not being melodramatic in saying that I have never met anybody else whos actions are watched, critisized and generally frowned upon like mine. Ive made mistakes and people see fit to constantly point out said mistakes to me.
Theres no need to point out these mistakes.
I know I made the mistakes.
In fact.
Im the one who made them.
Keep pointing out that I have no friends. You think I dont realise this?
I dont realise that since the start of year 11, i've spent 99% of my time by myself?
Think I dont notice that my best friend (using the term best & friend very, very lightly) just decided that he didnt have enough time for me anymore. that he was always "busy"? But then had enough time to see everyone else? That the actions have been repeated over and over and over again through different people?
So before you come to me, Looking for a "Shoulder to cry on" Ask yourself if there is anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY else that you could possible vent to.
If there is.
Fuck off and talk to them about your shit.
WHY?!
Since when did I become district manager of Sympathetics-R-Us?
I have my own problems to deal with. I dont need all of your problems on top of mine. I have my own battles to fight.
Im not a perfect person. I can barely run my own life.
So why is it that people think I can turn theres around?
Day after Day all these questions re surface.
Come talk to me when your last thoughts before you sleep is how much of a failure you are.
And how anybody else in the world would be in a better position to deal with the issues you have, because it just seems like no matter you do, people will always look down on you in a way that cannot and will not be reversed.
Im not being melodramatic in saying that I have never met anybody else whos actions are watched, critisized and generally frowned upon like mine. Ive made mistakes and people see fit to constantly point out said mistakes to me.
Theres no need to point out these mistakes.
I know I made the mistakes.
In fact.
Im the one who made them.
Keep pointing out that I have no friends. You think I dont realise this?
I dont realise that since the start of year 11, i've spent 99% of my time by myself?
Think I dont notice that my best friend (using the term best & friend very, very lightly) just decided that he didnt have enough time for me anymore. that he was always "busy"? But then had enough time to see everyone else? That the actions have been repeated over and over and over again through different people?
So before you come to me, Looking for a "Shoulder to cry on" Ask yourself if there is anybody, and I do mean ANYBODY else that you could possible vent to.
If there is.
Fuck off and talk to them about your shit.
Because ever since that first look.
So like.
First dance by NeverShoutNever keeps popping into my head.
I went out to dinner for my mothers 38th Birthday today.
And I feel I made a new friend :D
I cant stay up to late tonight as im going for an early drive tomorrow.
just clocked over 4 hours && Im quite proud of myself.
Dont really have anything to do right now.
Just going to hover by the glow of my computer screen and hope that something will jump out at me.
The entertainment value of being by yourself slowly drifts down to zero after a while
Hit 200 hits today at some point.
Quite proud of myself.
Maybe people do secretly like knowing exactly whats going on through my mind.
Gives me a small sense of purpose.
But only a small one.
Lets not get to far ahead of ourselves.
300 Hits by the end of the night?
Sounds great! ♥
First dance by NeverShoutNever keeps popping into my head.
I went out to dinner for my mothers 38th Birthday today.
And I feel I made a new friend :D
I cant stay up to late tonight as im going for an early drive tomorrow.
just clocked over 4 hours && Im quite proud of myself.
Dont really have anything to do right now.
Just going to hover by the glow of my computer screen and hope that something will jump out at me.
The entertainment value of being by yourself slowly drifts down to zero after a while
Hit 200 hits today at some point.
Quite proud of myself.
Maybe people do secretly like knowing exactly whats going on through my mind.
Gives me a small sense of purpose.
But only a small one.
Lets not get to far ahead of ourselves.
300 Hits by the end of the night?
Sounds great! ♥
Monday, January 3, 2011
it all started with her hips.
You know.
Half the time we have to live with exactly what we have.
So what happens when you lose everything?
Does life become kinda, sorta pointless?
Or does it re-enforce the fact that maybe you should try and get something back. and maybe a little bit more?
In some circumstances, you'll hear all of those people, all of your "friends" tell you all those overused cléche sayings.
"It will be ok"
"Theres plenty more fish in the sea"
"Look at the brightside"
What if a brightside doesnt exist?
And just incase you, the reader, feel the need to answer some/all of these questions.
They are completely rhetorical.
The truth is. Apart of me knew this would happen.
Its never been possible for me to be happy for too long.
Is it me? Do I sabotage my relationships with all people.
Friendships & Romance are completely pointless. I know this.
And yet I cant seem to stay away from them.
Why is it that some people just stop talking to me? Is it without reason? Or am I really that repulsive?
I hate it how Im one of those people who cant just stop feeling.
I cant just shut down as easily as some other people can, I wish I could distance myself from everyone else. Treat the world like a childish science experiment, See what would happen if I backed away.
Or maybe just completely change my personality. Be completely different if every possible way.
Im not strong enough to do all of this.
B u t a b o y c a n d r e a m .
Being in the same depressing situation all of the time gets so fucking old.
One day its going to become to much.
And Im going to put said experiment into effect.
Somebody hand me a notebook.
and a torch.
Its hard to write in the dark.
And I seriously doubt that I brighten up a dark space so confined.
Half the time we have to live with exactly what we have.
So what happens when you lose everything?
Does life become kinda, sorta pointless?
Or does it re-enforce the fact that maybe you should try and get something back. and maybe a little bit more?
In some circumstances, you'll hear all of those people, all of your "friends" tell you all those overused cléche sayings.
"It will be ok"
"Theres plenty more fish in the sea"
"Look at the brightside"
What if a brightside doesnt exist?
And just incase you, the reader, feel the need to answer some/all of these questions.
They are completely rhetorical.
The truth is. Apart of me knew this would happen.
Its never been possible for me to be happy for too long.
Is it me? Do I sabotage my relationships with all people.
Friendships & Romance are completely pointless. I know this.
And yet I cant seem to stay away from them.
Why is it that some people just stop talking to me? Is it without reason? Or am I really that repulsive?
I hate it how Im one of those people who cant just stop feeling.
I cant just shut down as easily as some other people can, I wish I could distance myself from everyone else. Treat the world like a childish science experiment, See what would happen if I backed away.
Or maybe just completely change my personality. Be completely different if every possible way.
Im not strong enough to do all of this.
B u t a b o y c a n d r e a m .
Being in the same depressing situation all of the time gets so fucking old.
One day its going to become to much.
And Im going to put said experiment into effect.
Somebody hand me a notebook.
and a torch.
Its hard to write in the dark.
And I seriously doubt that I brighten up a dark space so confined.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Glee Soundtrack.
Todays one of those days where ive decided to stay home where Ive forgotten i was
going to Jacksons.
Bit of a mistake on my part :\ I actually havent hung out with Jackson in a long time,
We used to hang out alot, but then he moved schools and everything kinda slowed up just
a little bit.
So this post is going to have to be minute compared to all the others ones
/sarcasm.
The lyrics to Britney Spears "Toxic" just popped into my head.
Do all these weird thoughts and dreams actually mean something?
Or am I just going insane.
The latter before the former im guessing.
Laters Haters.
going to Jacksons.
Bit of a mistake on my part :\ I actually havent hung out with Jackson in a long time,
We used to hang out alot, but then he moved schools and everything kinda slowed up just
a little bit.
So this post is going to have to be minute compared to all the others ones
/sarcasm.
The lyrics to Britney Spears "Toxic" just popped into my head.
Do all these weird thoughts and dreams actually mean something?
Or am I just going insane.
The latter before the former im guessing.
Laters Haters.
Lyrics.
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now
Music for any heart.
Some people have Christopher Drew.
Others MCBM
More love Bruno Mars.
But for me
Over all.
Beethoven speaks my language.
Plays the music that I feel...
Others MCBM
More love Bruno Mars.
But for me
Over all.
Beethoven speaks my language.
Plays the music that I feel...
That man was a genius.
Interesting.
Just worked out a way to sell out.
have to be 18 though.
Its an easy way to earn money though.
Kids stuff really.
have to be 18 though.
Its an easy way to earn money though.
Kids stuff really.
Re-arranging everything.
Ever seen those reality shows where they re-arrange there house and clean everything?
Im doing that on a larger scale.
its hard.
but the reward is.
Sufficient.
Second post.
Im doing that on a larger scale.
its hard.
but the reward is.
Sufficient.
Second post.
First things first. . .
So I decided to make a blog.
For me.
Nobody else.
Here I can write whatever I want.
And not be judged....
First entry done.
For me.
Nobody else.
Here I can write whatever I want.
And not be judged....
First entry done.
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