I remember when I was just a little kid, I went on holliday to Sydney to see my father Andrew. I refer to him as a father rather then a dad because technically he is my father, but he's never been a dad. More of a sperm donor. After a short time he slowly began buyinh me things that I didnt need. Including my very first Playstation. I remember him setting up the Playstation for me in his apartment kitchen and giving me a CD case full of 100 games. "I'll be right back, ok?" he called to me as he walked out the front door. I, being a 4 year old boy with a new playstation, mumbled agreement. So I sat there, trying all of the games when I realised it was getting dark and "Dad" still wasnt back. I walked outside side to the front of his apartment building to find him.
And found him I did.
Standing on the front lawn with a pile of Jim Beam cans steadily rising on a table in front of him.
I learnt my first lesson about Daddy dearest that day. Even though I lived in Melbourne and He in Sydney. Even though I was barely past 4 years of age. Even though we only saw each other once or twice a year.
He would rather drink alone.
Then spend time with his son.
My main aspiration in life is to NOT do something. Unlike most people who want to cure all disease, or solve the problem of world hunger or even just get a dream job. I do NOT want to become my father.
I do NOT want to follow in his footsteps.
So I go into any relationship and I promise myself that I will never do what my Father did to my Mother. No matter what.
When I cheated on Nicole I went back on that promise. And that hurt me more than anything, more than the things people said, the abuse I recieved, the threat or the rumours that where spread. Knowing that I had hurt Nicole the exact same way my Father had hurt my Mum. It killed me inside.
Nicole forgave me, but that didnt mean that everybody did. I remember the first school day after the incident with Blaire. Sitting alone at Recess waiting for everybody to tear me to shreds. waiting for somebody, anybody to say something.
But nobody did.
Instead I sat their in silence.
It confused me. Why act like you have her best interests at heart, like you know everything but not say anything to me in person?
You all wrote your snide shit from a dark room because thats what the angry do nowadays.
Tell me I do it.
Call me a hypocrite.
But when you do.
Tell me the last time I was afraid to say something to somebody's face.
While I was having these thoughts. I remember seeing Leah Duffy walking up to me with an INCREDIBLY determined look on her face.(is it just me or do I seem to emphasize the word INCREDIBLY whenever I use it?)
Leah abused me. She told me how I never deserved Nicole and that I deserved everything that was coming my way.
On that day, I gained an immense amount of respect towards Leah Duffy. because she was not a keyboard warrior like so many of the un-namable people who go to hampton park secondary college.
I hurt her sister and she was right there. Defending her.
So as I stood there explaining that nobody understood what I did wrong more than me.
And nobody did.
Until now.
That right there seems like a good place to end part 4 buit before I do. Im having another one of my "clear up moments".
Nicole and I did not break up because of any fault of our own. We broke up because her "friends" could not leave well enough alone. By friends, I mean all the people who knew nothing about what happened but still spread the rumours and tore her down about me.
Seeing her hurt, because of the fact that people hated me.
She didnt deserve that.
So that day we parted ways, knowing that we could never be together without keeping it a very close secret. We left with a friendship that I hope is never broken. No matter what.
There are things that I know about Nicole Duffy.
And some things that she knows about me.
That nobody else knows.
We even share a secret about us that only Vanessa Ford knows.
I trust them both not to divulge those secrets.
And I hope they trust me to do the same.
And then I was diagnosed. . .
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